Umm...This is 'sexy'? - 22 November 2011

In an effort to keep my man happy and make sure he is always satisfied, I decided to pick up an issue of Cosmo. One of its headlines read: "100 Best Sex Tips of the Year".

Go ahead: roll your eyes at me, but I truly believe that there is no harm in every now and again making an effort to ensure things remain interesting...until I read this. Good. GOD!

Permit me to share the 5 most outrageous and positively ABSURD tips out of the 100 tips Cosmo promoted as the 'Best of the Year'.

1. "When he's going down on you, tell him to trace a devious message on your hoo-ha." Right. So you rather focus your attention on what's being spelled out and not how good it feels? Let's not even get into the pressure you've just placed on your man: not only does he need to worry about his performance, but he now also needs to come up with something clever to spell out (with his tongue!) on your 'Queen Victoria'.
2. "Check out his hands: Guys with shorter index fingers than ring fingers tend to have bigger penises [...]" I'm sorry, but what exactly is Cosmo suggesting here? That when out on a date with a new suitor this is something you should notice? And what? If his index finger isn't shorter than his ring finger he isn't worth a fuck? (pun intended).
3. "Wrap a belt around each of his thighs. This will push more blood into his penis, making his erection feel even harder." Even harder than what? Unless the poor man has erectile dysfunction...and even so? Are there not pills for that so that you don't need to cut off the circulation provided by 2 major arteries?!?
4. "Tell him to picture your vagina as a (really pretty!) clock face and kiss each numbered position round and round..." If there is any woman out there who would feel sexy having her vagina compared to a clock, please email me ASAP and explain yourself, because I cannot wrap my head around this one.
5. Get pleasure from his feet (really): Lie down, legs apart, with your guy standing above you. He should then use his (clean!) big toe to stimulate your clitoris." Unless feet are your thing (which I'm not judging!)...but I assume that Cosmo is aiming their tips to the general population, in which case what woman out there trusts their man enough to let him get that personal with his big toe?! All that comes to my mind is "Owiiiieeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!"
Although said 'tips' did absolutely nothing to enhance my already enviable sex life, bless this article for the gut-ripping laughter it provided my husband and I...

Please do email me with your thoughts, criticisms and opinions...I love hearing from you and will always do my very best to get back to you! ms.sabrina.grey@gmail.com

--
Sabrina